Matt comes down stairs singing “Ain’t no party like an S Club party!”

Do I get romantic emails with confessions of love? No.

Do I even get informative emails? No.

I get emails with this picture and two sentences that say: “This happened. When god made me.”

Y’all should know the only shows Matt ever watches with me is New Girl and The Walking Dead.

However, on this fateful night he happened to be downstairs while I was watching Parenthood…..(don’t judge)

Something dramatic happens in the show, and then it begins.

Matt: Family Matters

I get that he’s referencing the 90s show, I don’t know why he is, but I go with it.

Me: Yeah, family matters.

Matt: No, those are family matters.

Me: No….family matters.

Matt: No, those are family matters.

Me: No! It’s family matters! Like my family matters.

Matt: Is that what you thought this whole time? NO! It’s like those are family matters.

This argument continues to be repetitive and never-ending.

I don’t know who’s right….but I hope it’s not him.

Me: Have you ever seen Where The Red Fern Grows?

Matt: Oh, yeah, yeah. FernGully.

Me: ….

Matt: That’s where the Red Fern grows.

Me: Ugh!

Matt: Sorry, babe. Why are you asking?

Me: ‘Cause it’s really sad.

Matt: Hell yeah…cutting down all those trees.

Me: UGHH!!!

Matt: I’m just trolling you babe. I know.

(It’s hard feeling simultaneously annoyed that he acts like doesn’t get it and proud that he knows so much about FernGully.)

Matt

WTF?

Facebook wall conversation ridiculousness. 

Frank:When you least expect it. I’m going to rape you inside out.

Matt: When you least expect it. I’m going to enjoy that. Also, your mom says hi.

Frank: When I least expect it? Oh no. I fully expect you to enjoy what I have in store….I’m getting my plan tattooed to my thigh as we speak. Can’t risk forgetting. I also spoke with my Mom. She says it’s not you, but she needs to move on. Something about space to recover.

Matt: I guess you could say I am like Waffle House, can’t help but to smoother, cover and sometimes dice. If you know what I mean. I also spoke with your mom…. She said that she couldn’t wait to see me. Also, had a little chat about you not accepting me as your new daddy. She said to get over it.

Frank: I feel like I’m too old to start having daddy issues now. Also, I too like to smoother things….

Matt: Yeah I bawlzed that word up, so what?

Frank: So it made my brain do backflips. Like a dolphin. It made my brain a dolphin!

Matt: You need to straighten up boy. Or i will get spanky the tire iron out like old times.

Frank: An attempt….to spank me straight? Hmmm….

Matt: I am getting the feeling that you do not fear me….. I think its time to upgrade to Matt 2.5.1. Just wait….

Frank:Sounds like I’m going to need to slap your upgraded ass up and down the street….a sad day for technology…..

To be continued?

Me: Hey wanna come downstairs and watch the new Tosh.O with me?

Matt: Who is this?

Me: If I were to suddenly grow a puppy head out of the side if my neck would you still love me?

Matt: No…I would love the puppy head.

1. We have serious, in-depth conversations about Saved By The Bell episodes/seasons.

2. He randomly, yet often, references Brink. Yes, the made for tv Disney movie Brink.

3. He tells Otis he loves the hairs on his nose.